Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Addicted to Just One

{I found this post unfinished and avoided, a draft of a feeling that was just too painful to publish a few months ago.  But with my Word of the Year - HOPE - burning a fire in my heart, I knew it was the right time to finish it and SHARE IT.  My prayer is that it ignites a spirit of hope in YOU today.  Thanks for reading.}



Just one more piece of chocolate.
Just one more program on TV.
Just one more Facebook post to read.
Just one more snooze button to push.
Just one more handful of chips.
Just one more swallow before I quit the over-consumption train chug-a-chug-chugging a worn, dirty roadway through my life.
A boxcar of goods.
Food.
Time.
All leaving tracks of waste throughout my living room.

You see, I am - and have always been - addicted to "just one more."


This magnet was a gift from a friend and clings to my refrigerator.
Clings to my refrigerator.
What irony.

And even though I get the joke and laughed when I first saw it, the more I read it, the more a different meaning rings true. 
And the more I ponder that meaning, the more saddened I become at the loss. 
The loss of days. 
The loss of self-worth. 
The loss of goals and dreams in an attempt to define myself,
or lack of self,
in terms of what a pudgy, out-of-shape holy vessel can and is qualified to do.

At an October therapy session, Dr. Gray said, "Well, when do you want to schedule our next meeting?  You seem like you're doing really well."  And though I know it appeared that way externally, I had avoided bringing up "just one more" as I had no motivation to fix it.  Or more accurately for fear that it was unfixable.

So I replied, "Well, actually I wanted to talk to you about my compulsive eating.  I'm feeling out of control.  I was hoping you could give me some tips of what to do when the cravings and consumption are beyond my strength...in the heat of stress or sadness or whatever.  What methods should I use?"  Then I added with a laugh, "Or should I just give up eating anything that I love altogether?"

To which she replied, "Well, you may have to do that."

Okay, I'm gonna be raw, real Cynthia for a minute. 
When my therapist said this to me, I thought, "What kind of racket is this chick running?  What do you mean I may need to give up eating chocolate....or chips...or watching sitcom re-runs...or any number of things for which I have a weakness?  What kind of game is this?"

But when she expanded on my issue with a sobering Q&A of my habits, I began to realize that my problem with "just one more" is not just an issue of self-destructive behavior, but an issue of stealing my life and focus from where it should be.  So the question presented itself, "Is another handful of bite-size Snickers really worth stealing me from Him?"

That bleak Thursday morning, on the way home from my session, after a bit of sadness, guilt and much gut-wrenching prayer, I heard a song.  One I've heard countless times, but never in the same way as that day, that moment.  I knew it was an answer to my plea.  The title itself answered my prayer.

The God of angel armies is always by my side.
"I know Who goes before me.
I know Who goes behind.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
The One Who reigns forever,
He is a friend of mine.
The God of angel armies is always by my side."

Looking back on this scene from three months ago, the advice from that ill-fated psychotherapy session still haunting me while the lyrics from the song continue to shore me up, I know what it is I have to do.  And I know what it is that I truly want.

I don't want "just one more" ANYTHING.
Not one more cookie.
Not one more episode.
Not one more hour of sleep or waste or doubt or fear.

I want a different kind of addiction, a different kind of dependence.
And I know where to find it, in Whom to turn.
I want just Him.
Just Love.
Just Spirit.
Just Holiness and Joy and Grace and Generosity.
I want just the life He wants for me, planned for me, expects of me.

No, no...
I don't want to be addicted to "just one more" ever again.

I want to be addicted to just One. 

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