Friday, August 23, 2013

Balancing Act

Do you ever feel in the deepest parts of your heart that God, even in His infinite goodness and patience, gets SO SICK of our complaints? 
Especially the ones of which we can't let go? 
That He starts by loving us and cradling us through the hurt? 
Then He brings answers in the form of friendships and loved ones to listen to us? 
Yet the more we complain, unable or unwilling to get past what's bothering us, He decides a more direct approach is in order?
That the tough love comes out then, thundering in our ears and our lives, waking us up to His grace and His will?
The grace and will that were there all along, of course.

I had such a thunderous moment on Sunday.

An epiphany from a few weeks ago about my life being "off balance," started me chewing on the realization for quite a while.  You see, growing up, I think my family was balanced in a certain way.
My dad was the center as the post, carrying the plates on either side.  And with six of us females left over, depending on who was in what mood or going through which transition, there were almost always three in one plate and three in the other. 
Countered, but balanced.

The same holds true of my immediate family today.
Colleen and Drew are the same person and Braden and I are the same, so we balance that way sometimes.
Or Colleen and I sit on one side as women, while the men are on the other side.
Or kids and adults balance one another...well, you get my drift.

But when Daddy passed away, this equilibrium was thrown.  I don't think I felt it at first because my mom, sisters and I were all mourning and sharing life and memories of him.  This summer, however, I experienced it for the first time.  Ever since that trip home to visit, I've just been...well...off.

The revelation was truly something of value to me.  It helped me understand why I was in a funky place.  But rather than realizing and regaining my momentum in Him, I chose to continue focusing on my unsteady scales.

Bless Him for letting me go on and on about it for a while before hammering His message home.

I had just finished telling my husband about my discovery this weekend - and to be truthful, I was almost sick of talking about it and thinking it myself.  But I wanted to include him in this thought train so as to give him a better understanding of my heart.  No sooner had I shared then we went to Mass.  The Gospel reading was from Luke.  It read:

"Jesus said to his disciples:
'I have come to set the earth on fire,
and how I wish it were already blazing!
There is a baptism with which I must be baptized,
and how great is my anguish until it is accomplished!
Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth?
No, I tell you, but rather division.
From now on a household of five will be divided,
three against two and two against three;
a father will be divided against his son
and a son against his father,
a mother against her daughter
and a daughter against her mother,
a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law
and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.'"

(emphasis mine)

Drew and I just looked at each other, him smiling and me with my mouth agape. 
Thunder
Got it, Lord.

God didn't send His only Son to earth to make sure I was put in a comfy family with only our members at its center. 
I would never, ever have need of Him if this were the case. 
No, He sent His Son to set my heart on fire. 
He wants it to be ablaze for His glory, not my comfort. 
He wants me to rely, not on my family, but only on Him. 
For everything. 
For every moment of grace. 
For my peace of heart. 
To give me inner balance and be my equilibrium.

 


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