There are days when I am just all over the map.
This is one of those months.
Yes, I meant to say "months."
I can't decide what needs to be done first.
There are so many blessings, but not enough hours.
I'm not sleeping much.
I need to lose 25 lbs. and my body is showing the need.
There is SO MUCH TECHNOLOGY, I almost feel sick.
(And don't think I didn't notice the other night, lucifer, that, after contemplating giving up all technology each weekend for the summer, the very next morning I received a text with an offer for a writing gig this weekend. Yes, if I had given up the iPhone, I wouldn't be writing about Santa Claus right now. I knew it. You can't fool me that easily.)
I went home to Alabama to visit at the end of June, and I just haven't gotten back to me since. Gone were my early morning devotionals and prayers in favor of a cup of coffee and visiting with my mom.
I miss her.
I miss the laughter and the catching up.
But without my morning time with the big Guy, I joked with her that the most time I spent with Jesus was using the Jerome Biblical Commentary as a stepstool to turn on the fan in my room.
(I know, I know, kind of sacrilegious...but it was the thickest book I could find and I'm really, really short!!!)
My focus really hasn't improved much since.
My kids are home.
The Tour de France has been on in the mornings.
(Could I go to my room to read? Of course. But my routine is to sit in my little white chair in the living room.
My compromise? Don't do it at all. Smart, Cynth.)
My campaign is over and with it, a whole new daunting set of tasks, writing, work and hustling.
(Hustling, not my strong suit.
My sales technique: "It's probably too much trouble to purchase this app for $0.99 that will improve and enhance your prayer life. You're right...don't worry about it."
I'm so tired.
Tired of being responsible to teach and swallow and forgive and stay positive.
Tired of having a plan and a schedule and all the answers.
Relationships are suffering.I'm feeling contentious.
Feeling nitpicky and full of expectations.
Did I mention that I'm tired?!?!
Last night, as I fruitlessly tried to fall asleep, I found myself inhaling and exhaling, inhaling and exhaling, "Jesus...Jesus...Jesus...Jesus."
Yes, the perfect rhythm for breath.
I read once that when you are stuck for what to pray,
just utter His name and He will fill you.
I needed to remember that.
I didn't fall asleep still, but I felt much calmer.
I awoke and remembered.
Then the phrase, "Help me remember..." filled me.
Next the first line of my morning devotional...
"I thank my God every time I remember you."
In & out.
In & out.
Inhale & exhale.
Inhale & exhale.
Jesus, help me remember.