Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Minor Chord

I've come to look on this blog as my ministry. 
Being transparent. 
Sharing problems, insights plus, hopefully, a little humor along the way. 
I desire it to help those who read it. 
It comforts me as I remain centered and focused on those issues which are most important.
I always wait for a resolution to a problem before writing about it. 
I'm awaiting God to give me the answer so I can pass along any understanding I have gleaned along the way.

I do not like to write without a solution.
To me this is akin to singing a song in a major key and stopping one chord short without resolving the're just hanging on that next to the last minor chord. 
(This gives me the creeps just thinking about it.) 
I have a need for symmetry unmet when this happens.

I have put off finishing this post for the longest time in waiting for a resolution. 
And while I'd love to tell you that it's finally hit me...
that my density has been punctured and dissolved into understanding,
that's simply not the case. 
I have no ending to my problem.  
Sometimes there is no end in answer...nothing to soothe our weary, worried souls except faith. 
The faith that we don't have the answers but continue to walk beside Him in the knowledge that He's got us.  
We're in His care. 
We'll be provided with an answer one day. 
But maybe not until He greets us at the end of our earthly lives.

So here's my deal-io with no solution.
I have a practice that has followed me through my life.
On the surface, one might think it has to do with fashion.
But in reality it is a practice of seeing into my future with a vision in mind...something concrete that will help me achieve my goals.

I plan ahead with a specific wardrobe, hairstyle and home decor in mind.
I'm sure I adopted this practice from being an actress with years of audition experiences.
Having to adapt to the character and become a new person was a gift.
I always relished character roles.
From childhood to middle age, I have been a chameleon, playing bit parts and dressing accordingly.

I've been the good student touting conservative ideals with a button down shirt plus a hint of rollers for the unruly curls a must.
I've been the rebellious 20-something with a black, white and red wardrobe, spending nights dancing at clubs and days auditioning in LA or toiling away at a desk....teased bangs and Madonna chic waves or closely cropped pixie - take your pick.
I've been the singer, teacher, director with tough love, dramatic appeal and the knee high boots to match...straightening iron required.
I've been the doting Mama with the neat and decorous home supervising an agreeable marriage and well-mannered children while donning multiple maxis, jeans, blouses and often workout wear....diffuser on my blow dryer always attached for an au natural look.

These have not been acts, just phases through which I've passed.
With each phase, I've looked ahead for the appropriate wardrobe, haircut and color and home decor to match.
Each of these visuals has helped me achieve whatever the goal ahead of me happened to be.

Now I look in the mirror and observe a woman 20 pounds heavier than six months ago, graying at the temples and dressed in an old T-shirt and capri workout pants...again.
I have a hole in the only pair of jeans that fits.
I'm sure someone will commit hara-kiri if they see me approaching, even one more time, in one of the two sundresses that I don every other day.
(Have I mentioned it's getting cool and I can't wear one pair of holey jeans and sundresses for the fall and winter seasons?)
And here's the thing from this actress with the clear future vision...
I just can't seem to see any way out.

I have not achieved roly-poly status in an "I am woman, hear me roar and I love my body and physical appearance no matter what" kind of way but in an "I just watched the person who knew me best in the world slowly greet death and I can't figure out why it ever mattered to me what my hair looked like" kind of way.
No vision of the proper nutrition and workout regime to fix this.
No desire for it either.
No vision of a hairstyle...
Personal style...
House styling...
That would assist in my goals for the future.
No vision at all of my future without him and how that would look.

So though it bothers me to do this, that's the end.
There is no summation.
I have walked away from my computer for three weeks in an attempt to listen for an answer and finish this post.
I am facing the fact that this is it for now.

Because we are all human, I'm sharing it with you.
I'm trying to be as transparent as possible.
To let you know you're not alone whenever this feeling creeps into your life.
To let you know that we all have unanswered questions.
We all have grief that can't be broken.
We all have the occasional pit from whence we are trying to free ourselves.
I can only hope that knowing we all experience these types of hardships brings you some small measure of comfort.

I ask that you pray for me.

Looking ahead to my major chord...


  1. Cynthia, The journey is to discover what God wants of you, not what you want from God. You have said so yourself, in so many soul-jarring ways. I think you are saying it here. The joy comes from waking up each day, knowing that I have another day to listen for what God wants to tell me, knowing that He will speak to me as I need it. His love awaits you. Jump out of your bed of sadness, throw aside the sheets of grief, step out into the Light that awaits you.

    1. Yes, searcher, you are right. And I have often concluded that here in this blog. Too bad I'm human and the clear vision and His understanding alludes me at times of overwhelming grief.

      The last couple of days have been looking up. AND I jumped out of bed, threw off the 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and exercised. I feel better. I'm sure the endorphins helped.

      Looking ahead to more resolution...more major chords...