Sunday, September 30, 2012

Getting Right

My usual  Monday morning fare of "1000 Gifts Sunday" needs to be postponed due to my current mental situation....

I ain't right.
I can't get it together.
I don't wanna.
I don't feel like it.

Can I make this more painfully clear?

For the past year and a half, I have arisen each morning with a true desire
to write, to share, to live and listen and learn in communion with Him.

Today I don't wanna.

Actually, this mental attitude has persisted since I arrived home from my trip.

I had a lovely time in Alabama with a lovely family
at a lovely wedding in a lovely setting. 
But in the days of prep and work and anticipation;
in the days of shopping and planning and arranging;
in the days of activities and moving and shaking,
something terrible happened....

GOD GOT LOST.

I lost Him
and
It was all my fault.

I set my sights on the task at hand rather than on His help.
I worked at making everything beautiful on a table or in a vase or on my person rather than taking in the beauty provided all around me in the waves and the sand and the sunsets.
I did my usual bang-up job of wearing a captain's hat in the midst of the crowd rather than letting the authority and glory and honor go to the One really in charge.






Gross...

As is usually the case in these times of separation from Him,
I've had a difficult time resuming my closeness.
In truth, I just haven't wanted it.
I've chosen to read the latest Grisham novel
(bought at a 50% off table in the airport) before reading His word.
I've chosen to watch reruns of The Office with my kids
rather than write His messages sent constantly to me.
I've chosen to skulk around, surrounded by darkness,
rather than lift my eyes to His Light.


Again...yuck...

Yet through all of the darkness, He has persisted.
His coaxing "ahems" have turned into quiet whispers of encouragement...
When I didn't take the bait on these,
He sent me a beautiful friend with whom to read Scripture and counsel me...
When that salve lasted only a few hours, He began booming in His Heavenly voice, shouting for me to heed and come home...
It's all around me in Word, Message, and Opportunity.

I'm almost there today.

I gotta get right in my head and my heart.
In my body and my spirit.
Because Truth be told (and yes, the capital "T" is intentional)
there is nothing without Him.
Darkness and evil and refusal prevail.

I've been down that black road and I don't relish returning.

Gotta get right...
Gotta get right...
Gotta get right...

And where will it start?
In thanksgiving to Him for this trial and this moment when I can choose.
Light or darkness...
Love or hate...
Grace or self-righteousness.

 
I know my choice.
It's a done deal.
I'm getting right.
I choose Light.
I choose Love.
I choose Grace.

I choose Him.

2 comments:

  1. You haven't lost it. You are a bright beacon shining even when you think you are not. You always lift and inspire me. I will be praying your cloud disappears quickly. Keep on keeping on!! :))

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    1. Oh, Karen, I wish we lived closer. I would love to go for a coffee with you and just chat about life and faith. Thank you for your continual support of me here in this place of lightbulbs and "a-ha" moments...such a messy, mortifying (sometimes) but ultimately blessed place to be. Love you cousin...Cynthia

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