I vividly remember my babies the moment they were born. Colleen, wide-eyed and alert, hardly a cry, she was so vested in figuring out where she was and how everyone was feeling. Braden, on the other hand, was greatly offended by the noise and the stimulation, the busyness and the activity. He cried piteously for a few minutes then promptly removed himself to a peaceful, blissful sleep, avoiding his discomfort.
The weeks that followed each birth were incredible...friends and family dropping by, visiting, helping out, marveling over my two miracles. Every moment was pure joy...the wonder, the excitement, the newness of it all. Then the honeymoon wore off and reality set in.
I reflect on this now, months after experiencing what I can only consider a rebirth of my faith. Not that I wasn't faithful before but over the summer and fall because I was so greatly in need - a newborn, you might say - I had to lean on God totally - and was totally fulfilled in doing so. Each moment was a gift to be cherished...wondrous, exciting, new. Then the honeymoon wore off and reality set in.
Again, don't get me wrong. My faith is strong. I recognize God's hand in my life. But I have noticed the last few weeks that old habits and perceptions have crept back in now that the novelty has passed. So what is my spiritual spit-up and throw-up? What is my divine deprivation of sleep? What is my faith-lacking pee and poop? (Don't get all judgy on my lack of reverence here. You all know you have verbally thrown up before and wished you could take it back!!)
I'd have to admit that the spit-up are the things I say that are lack of confirmation that God is in control, that He can deliver all things through me if He chooses. It is a lack of trust, not in Him but in myself. (Boy, how presumptuous!) The throw-up is definitely bouts of gossip and judgement. Most days I throw it up with nary a bucket in sight! Then I have a big, fat mess on my hands that I find difficult to clean.
The pee and poop is all the mental and verbal excrement I release..."I cannot do it. It is too hard. I have no purpose. I am not good enough. I don't have the proper credentials." What a load of...well, you know. Please, someone throw me a diaper!!
Lastly, my lack of sleep is represented in my restless, anxious spirit. It is my worry and my woes. It is my doubt and my apprehension. It leaves me feeling fretful, weary, drained.
Luckily, unlike me as a parent, God never tires. He never lacks attention to my childish needs. He is always there, waiting out the ickiness to relish in the moments when I smile, coo, or belly laugh. He stands at the ready to open my eyes to His blessings.
Too pee or not to pee? There is no question...