Sunday, October 9, 2011

Door #1 or Door #2?

Most days in life right now, I'm feelin' good.  Excited, peaceful, genuinely cheerful.  This is a departure from how I've lived the majority of the rest of my adult life.  I've generally been plagued with anxiety, insecurity and doubt.  The weird thing is that I consider myself a relatively intelligent, creative, hard-working, smart-alecky - oh, sorry, I meant funny - kind of gal.  But my surface demeanor has questioned these beliefs at all turns.  (Or is it actually my deeper belief system?)  Anyhow, through the stress and worry of the last few months, at one point finding it difficult to get out of bed, I finally gave it all over to God and now I'm not nearly as anxious or pessimistic or unenthused.  Even my health has significantly improved.

So it was a great shock to me when yesterday, a beautiful Saturday with nothing to do but spend time with my loving husband and children, it all came crashing down on me, and I was overwhelmed with negative energy...questioning my future, my relationships, my purpose.  All of those old misgivings resurfaced.  By nightfall, I exclaimed to my husband, "I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm SO cranky!!" 

Maybe it was starting the morning off with a crummy, watered down cup of coffee (why, oh why did Starbucks stop making discs for my Tassimo coffee system??); or maybe it was the weather turning hot again when we were finally starting to experience the cool of autumn; or maybe it was the feeling that I had NOT A THOUGHT in my head about which to write.  Whatever the reason, I felt stuck.  I prayed over and over for God to give me direction, to bombard my consciousness with a sign as He so often does, knowing I'm too slow to see it for myself.

Nothing...not a word...

More prayers, more pleas, more grovelling...

Nothing...not a word...


Literally like a lightning bolt, I thought, "I'm getting nothing because I already have the tools to change this around.  And I'm not changing it because I'm choosing not to.  I'm down to a choice for believing or not believing, staying down in the dumps of despair or lifting myself out."  Like the jackpots behind Door #1 or Door #2, except with this kind, you know what you're getting when you open it. It reminded me of a kind of perverse 1970s game show:

(Remember to say these in your head in a cheesy, over-the-top announcers voice!)
"So Chuck, tell us what we have for our contestants who pick Door #1!"
Talk about "Telling the Truth?"

"Right, Monte, for those who open this door we have a lifetime of insecurity, self-doubt and self-loathing!   And if that isn't enough, there's a bonus of unhappiness, bitterness and loneliness!"

"Terrific, Chuck, thanks!  Sounds interesting.  How about Door #2 - what will contestants find there?"
"Well, Monte, for contestants choosing Door #2, there's peace, prosperity, abundance beyond their wildest dreams, and faith no matter what the circumstance.  Add to that their bonus: people in their lives who actually want to spend time with them and a boundless, unequivocal joy, and you've got the makings for quite a prize package."

"Thanks, Chuck.  Sounds great but let's see what the contestants think.  We'll find out what they decide after this commercial break."

Well, I don't need a 2&2 commercial break to have my answer. I don't need a spin of the wheel or a roll of the die or countless flashing neon signs pointing me in a direction.  Chuck said it all.  I decided which Door I would choose.  Which one will you?

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